Is it L.O.V.E?

Five months go today I met a man who would change my life for the better.

I first met him on a bridge outside a pub. Just from the first glance I knew he was the one!

                                                            Our First Date


Not only is he a boyfriend, but he is my best friend! He gets me!

We live far apart. Not to far, but far enough for me! Some times its hard, when all I want is to be in his arms, but I can't be! So the time we spend together is extra special!

I first told him I was unwell at the very start of the relationship, I really liked him, so I was scared how he would react! I've had previous relationships where men couldnt handle it, and would just leave me, normally with no explanation!

That hurt alot!

He's been so supportive while i've been unwell, in and out of the doctors, in hospital and before and after my surgery! 

I am so proud to call him mine! He doesn't ever judge me, and never lets go when I have to cry myself to sleep because of the pain!  

I don't feel embarrased when I have a bad day, if I just have to stay in bed, or my body decides to have a random bleed! He won't ever make a scene about it, or complain. He stays by my side till he knows im ok!

And the best thing ... He's changed me for the better. Before I met him I was miserable, grumpy and negative! He changed it around! He made me realise even though some days I cant do things I still have an amazing life, and I should appreciate what i've got!

He has made me so happy! Some days I do feel down, but one text or phone call from him, i'm smiley and giddy.

I still have the same feeling in my tummy as when I first met him!

I can honestly say, IT IS LOVE! 

I got the blues ....... continued

As I said yesterday, I was asked back to my doctors for internal exminations.

I arrived 2 minutes late, but luckily the doctor I was seeing was running late ...... As usual!

My name was called, and then the nerves kicked in. I suddenly remembered, I find internals extremely painful!

I sat down in the uncomfortable blue chair. Waiting for instructions to strip down and spread my legs .... Awkward!

And then the examinations began, a small like clamp was entered inside me, I wont lie I was in a lot of discomfort, it took  while for my GP to find my cervix, but it felt like hours! Unfortunatly it kept slipping out, so a bigger one had to be used, AND IT KILLED!!!!!!!!!! My GP took sample of my cervix (which has never been tested before!), a sample of my vaginal wall, and the main area. This seemed to take forever, and really hurt, but for once I didn't cry!! WooHoo! But finally it was over, I got dressed, and my legs were like jelly, I felt so weak and I still had to face the 1 hour walk home!

Me and my GP talked bout how I was handling the situation, and she was happy that i'm dealing ok! And we also talked about the on/off bleeding i've been having since my operation, she sid she was concerned as I am loosing alot of blood and is going to find out a way to stop my blood loss.

My GP explained that I had to ring friday for my results (but they may not be back till monday) But if there is something seriously wrong they will call me!

I won't lie, I am slightly nervous, It's been over a year and still have no diagnosis! So fingers crossed this is the last of all the tests, pain and worrying, I'm trying to think positive ....... BUT I doubt it!!

I got the blues

Today, I had to once again see my doctor as an emergancy. And not fun when I have no money so I have to walk an hour there and back!

So I went expecting to get some results! I saw my own GP Dr Franks whom I put all my faith in to! He is brilliant, but unfortunatly this time he just could not put his finger on the problem! But he did find no trace of an infection in my urine, but I did have a high tempature. No surprise there, It's been like that for a while!

He told me there was no way I'd be able to go back to work for a while as I was just to un fit! And he asked me to return the next day for internal examinations! This will be tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it! They hurt me so much!

Fingers crossed I get some results, or at least some progress! I am getting so fed up and really do have the blues!

But I am very happy that my scar has healed vvery nicely and you can hardly see it! So yippeeee that was very well done :)

Fingers crossed for no more PAIN!!!

Nightmares? Spooky!!!

For a while i was experiencing really awful nightmares, I went to my doctor and talked about it, I got it all off my chest.
I was prescribed some anti depressants, to help me sleep and control the nightmares slightly!
They did work for the night mares but they didnt work for the sleep.

Luckily for me, I got back into my old routine, sleeping at a considerable time, at the nightmares tamed down alot, they all just became really weird! So that was fine with me!

But last night, the worst happened! A nightmare returned! And it was nasty! And felt oh so real!

I was just waking up, and I found myself back in theatre, all I could see was a bright light above me. Nothing else. I wasn't under any anesthetic, just awake.
A women was doing something to my arm, and telling me to stay calm, and keep still and a nice, soft way. While this was happening I actually thought my own mum was trying to wake me!
I really started panicking, at this point something was opening my legs, and trying to insert something, and also trying to cut me open! I was trying my hardest to scream and lash out, but nothing would happen! I was stuck! I looked to my left, to see my mum standing there with a stern look on her face, and some one in a wheelchair whos face I couldn't see!
Then i felt people pin me down and spread my legs even further, telling me to shup up and stay still in a horrible and nasty way! I was so scared, but couldn't do anything! I couldnt see any of these people, exceot the bright light above me! I was in real agony, because at that time I was having real bad pains!

It was so horrible, and really terryfied me! I feel im to scared to go to sleep tonight! Yet im so tired!

I hope it was a one off! And no more nightmares are to return for a long time!

1 Week After My Operation

Not going to lie ....... I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

A few hours before my op i was told i was going to have two procedures in stead of one.

Laparoscopy: 
Is a procedure to look inside your abdomen by using a laparoscope. A laparoscope is like a thin telescope with a light source. It is used to light up and magnify the structures inside the abdomen. A laparoscope is passed into the abdomen through a small incision (cut) in the skin.

A laparoscopy may be done to find the cause of symptoms such as abdominal pain, pelvic pain, or swelling of the abdomen or pelvic region. Or, it may be done if a previous test such as an X-ray or scan has identified a problem within the abdomen or pelvis. A laparoscopy enables a doctor to see clearly inside your abdomen. Some common conditions which can be seen by laparoscopy include:

• Endometriosis
• Pelvic inflammatory disease
• Ectopic pregnancy
• Ovarian cyst
• Appendicitis

Hysteroscopy:
Is a procedure that allows your doctor to look inside your uterus in order to diagnose and treat causes of abnormal bleeding. Hysteroscopy is done using a hysteroscope, a thin, lighted tube that is inserted into the vagina to examine the cervix and inside of the uterus. Hysteroscopy can be either diagnostic or operative.

When i woke up in the recovery room, i was in unbearable pain, i was so confused, and i felt so lost! I was in and out of sleep for hours.

When i finally woke up, i had my parents around me, and the nurses were trying to get me to the toilet ASAP so they could send me home! Not a smart idea!

It took me ages and alot of pain to get up, and it took me 2 nurses to help me get to the toilet!

When i was in there i had to pull the emergency cord as i was bleeding really badly, and knew i was about to be sick everywhere! I was taken back to my bed, and told i couldn't go home, i had to stay.

But i finally got to go home on the saturday morning!

I was feeling great, except for the soreness or where i have been cut open (One in my belly button, one on my side and a nice two inch one at the very bottom of my stomach!) I was so happy that all my usual pains had gone!

But then monday, things started to get nasty again, i was feeling very dizzy and sick, and could feel all the pains creeping back! On the tuesday i had to be seen by my GP asap, as i was still dizzy and sick, but this time i was vomiting! She said i have a high tempature, an infection (UTI) and had an allergic reaction from something during surgery!

I was given anti biotics, anti hystamines and pain killers. But the next day i was feeling worse! By thursday i had to ring NHS direct for some advice as i was so scared i didnt no what to do! They told me i had to be seen by a doctor asap!

When my mum got home she rang the doctor, and he finally came to my house at 6.50, he said my infection has got worse and is now all in my bladder, so he has prescribed me with more anti biotics and anti sickness tablets! If none of this works, he sais i need to call him straight away, or go to the hopsital!

Im also having the worst pains on my right side just at the bottom of my rib cage :(

Fingers crossed that everything will be ok  from now on!!

It's Finally Here!!!

So tomorrow is the big day! My operation is finally here! Its been a painful (but short) wait, and i cant wait to get it over and done with now!

This Blog is dedicated to everyone who has supported me through this bad time!

• My Mum - She has put up with my moaning, my nagging, my mood swings and much more! Always found a way to get me to the hospital, and dedicated her own time to stay with me when times were rough! How can i ever ask for a better mum!

• My Dad - My rock, any question he answers for me, some one i can always turn to, he mmay be far away, but spiritually he is right next to me! And he isn't afraid to be tough on me when i need a good verbal SHUT UP! not to mention all the petrol his gone through, coming back and forth to see me and take me to hospital appointments! What a legend!

• Carlos, My boyfriend - What a guy! I've never had a man stick by me, care for me and love me as much as he does! Every other guy i have been with had run a mile, not being able to handle everything that comes in my little package! Carlos is what you call a real man! Some one who has not let me down! I love you so much!

• Grace My cousin - No matter what i need to talk about she is there, giving me quotes and comments that lift my spirit and really make my day! A real lady, who is not afraid to speak her mind and tell me when im being silly! A true best friend and a true sister!!

• My Nan & Grandad - Such caring, soft, genuine people who do nothing but give love and care!

• Elaine My Aunt - Even though she is going through a very tough time, she takes time out of her life just to see how i am! I couldnt ever ask for anything more!!!

• Nicola hodson-was hopkins - Would never never know any of the terms the doctors tell me with out her knowledge! My personal dictionary lets say! Takes time out of her hectic schedule to research herbal remedies, and anything i want to know! Just for little me! A lady who holds me when i break down, i have a lot of thanks and respect to give to you!

• Louis & Elise - No matter if i'm hurting so bad in the day, they still do anything to try and put a smile on my face! The perfect little gremlins!

• Joanne Duffield - My angel in disguise! I am so glad i found you through More! Magazine! The strangest way to meet some one who would mean so much to me! Joanne has helped me through my darkest days, a lady who knows EXACTLY how i am feeling! God bless you and i wish you all the health in 2012!
• All of my friends: Chloes bassett, Becki Howard, Lorna Cobbett, Laura Hurlow, Daniel Hannington, Becca Trout, Joanna Butt, Matthew May and any one else i have missed - what would i do with out you guys! Chloe, talking me through the pain, how to see through it and not even notice its there, thank you! Laura, Just being at the end of the phone anytime i needed a helping hand! You have a heart of gold! Becca, Thank you for your sympathising ways! with out patronising me, it means a hell of a lot! And all the rest of my friends for just being there when i needed you all the most!
• Dr O Franks - My GP, the only Dr who gave a toss!
• My family - They have given me support even though alot of them are so far away! Thank you for the phone alls and get well cards!
• Endometriosis UK - A charity, and online forum where i have met a lot of ladies struggling with this awful disease! Thank you to all the Endo Sisters on there who have given me advice, and talked me step by step everything i need to know!

You are all amazing in your own ways!
So now, my bag is packed, and i am ready for the long day tomorrow. BRING IT ON!!!!!